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Why He Pulls Away Just When Things Are Going So Well

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A few weeks ago he was sending you a good morning text before you had even opened your eyes. He planned the dates, he remembered the name of your friend from work, and once he said, almost to himself, that his mum would love you.

So you let yourself relax, which is not something you do easily.

Then, without a fight or anything you can point to, the texts started coming later in the day. The plans got vaguer. When you asked if everything was okay he said, "Yeah, just busy with work," and that night you lay awake going over the last time you saw him, looking for the moment it changed.

If that is where you are right now, there is a reason this happens so often at exactly this point, and the things most of us do to fix it usually push him further away.

Nothing went wrong, and that is the confusing part

When a man pulls back, our first instinct is to search for the mistake. Did I say too much? Was I too keen? Has he met someone else?

Sometimes there really is a clear cause. Far more often, the pulling away starts right when things become comfortable and the future starts to feel real, because that is when his doubts get loud.

Clayton Max is a dating and relationship coach with a background in applied psychology, and he explains it in a way that made a lot of sense to me. When a man isn't absolutely sure you're the one, there is usually one reason underneath it, even if he would never say it out loud: part of him suspects there could be someone better out there for him.

He can't tell you what that someone has that you don't. He just has a nagging feeling that something is "not quite right", and he has no idea where it comes from.

That is how a man can tell you you're amazing and still back away from you in the same week. Both things feel true to him at once.

Why trying to be the perfect girlfriend doesn't settle his doubts

When we feel him drifting, most of us try harder. We become extra sweet, extra available and extra understanding. We stop mentioning the things that bother us, and we show him over and over how easy and lovely life with us would be.

It comes from a loving place, and it makes sense that you would do it. The trouble is that all of it speaks to the logical side of his brain, the side that ticks boxes on a list: kind, loyal, fun, gets on with my friends.

He most likely knows you tick those boxes already. Ticking them was never what was missing, which is why showing him again and again how good you are for him so rarely brings him back.

Clayton's view is that men don't choose a woman because she is the most sensible choice on paper. They choose the woman who makes them feel a certain way, and there is one feeling in particular that switches off the "maybe there's someone better" doubt completely. He calls the drive behind that feeling the infatuation instinct.

What changes when his infatuation instinct is switched on

When a man is infatuated with a woman, he starts to idealise her. He focuses on her good qualities, and the reasons he had for holding back stop seeming important. He thinks about her when she isn't there, replays the time they spent together, and worries about losing her.

The research the program draws on describes this kind of passion as "involuntary and uncontrollable". He can't talk himself into it, and he can't be talked into it either, which is exactly why reasoning with him doesn't work.

Clayton explains how this instinct works, and why some women set it off almost without trying, in a free video presentation you can watch here.

What to do this week instead of chasing him

You don't need to wait for him to work it out on his own. Here are three things you can start on today, all taken from the ideas Clayton teaches.

• Stop arguing your case. Don't ask "what's wrong?" for the fifth time, and don't send the long message explaining how you feel. Each time you press him to explain his doubts, the doubts get more attention. Stay warm with him, and leave the pressure out.
• Turn the volume back up on your own life. Make the plans with your friends, go to the class, say yes to the weekend away. This isn't a show to make him jealous, because Clayton is clear that playing games is not the point. When you're fully involved in your own life you are naturally a little less available, and he notices.
• Leave him something to wonder about. The program is built around a few triggers, and three of the big ones are curiosity, investment and uncertainty. A man who knows exactly where he stands, and exactly how every evening will go, has nothing left to chase. Let him put in effort, let him plan the next date, and let him be a little unsure of your answer.

Where Infatuation Scripts comes in

Those ideas are the start. Where most women get stuck is the actual words: what to say over dinner or in a text to spark his curiosity, or to let him feel he has to earn your attention, without sounding cold or like you're playing a game.

That is what Clayton Max's program, Infatuation Scripts, is built around. It gives you word-for-word scripts for each trigger, from curiosity and investment scripts to "cliffhanger" scripts for the end of a conversation. It comes as video, audio and an e-book, and it is written for women who have just met a man, women who have just started dating someone, and women who have been with their partner for years.

Before you send that next "are we okay?" text, watch Clayton's free video presentation. He explains what he calls the "emotional tripwire" that puts a man into infatuation mode, and why it works so differently from trying to prove you're the right choice.

If you decide to get the program after watching, it is a one-time payment of $49.95 with a 60-day money-back guarantee, so you can try the scripts and make up your own mind.

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The Infatuation Instinct: Why Some Women Make a Man Sure So Quickly

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Three men who had spent years saying marriage "wasn't for them" all got engaged within the same year. One of them moved across the country to make it work.

They were friends of Clayton Max, a dating and relationship coach, and what puzzled him was the women they chose. None of these women had all the qualities his friends had always said they were looking for, and yet within a short time of meeting them, these were the only women the men wanted.

Clayton wanted to know why. What did these women do that the women before them hadn't? The answer he found is something he calls the infatuation instinct, and once you understand it, a lot of confusing behaviour from men starts to make sense.

What the infatuation instinct is

The infatuation instinct is a drive in a man's brain that pulls all of his romantic interest towards one woman. When it is switched on, he isn't weighing her up against anyone else. In his mind, she simply is the one.

The research the program draws on describes this passion as "involuntary and uncontrollable", and says it brings an "inability to feel romantic passion for more than one person at a time". So it isn't a decision he makes after thinking it over carefully. It is something that happens to him.

That is a big shift from how most of us were taught to think about men and commitment.

What it does to the way he sees you

When a man's infatuation instinct is switched on for a woman, several things happen together.

He starts to idealise her. The research describes a man overlooking negative traits and focusing on positive qualities, so whatever "reasons" he had to hold back stop mattering to him.

He thinks about her nearly all the time. He replays the evening they had, rereads the messages and finds excuses to bring her up in conversation.

He also becomes afraid of losing her. That fear is what moves him from "let's see where this goes" to wanting to make it official, because the idea of someone else having her is harder to bear than giving up his freedom.

If you have ever watched a man who was "not ready for a relationship" suddenly rush into one with someone new, this is very likely what you were seeing.

Why ticking every box on his list doesn't switch it on

Most women try to win a man by being his perfect girl. We pick up what he says he wants, whether that is someone smart, funny, easy-going or good with his family, and we make sure he sees that we are all of those things.

The problem is that a list of good qualities only reaches the rational part of a man's brain. He can agree with every point and still feel nothing pulling him forward.

That is how a woman ends up hearing "You're everything I've always wanted, but something's missing." He means both halves of that sentence. The rational part of him approved of her, and the instinct that would have made him sure was never switched on.

Clayton goes through this in more detail, including what the women his friends married did differently, in his free video presentation.

What sets the infatuation instinct off

According to Clayton, the instinct responds to a handful of psychological triggers instead of a list of good qualities. Three of the big ones are curiosity, investment and uncertainty.

Curiosity is what keeps you on his mind when you're not together. If he feels he has you completely figured out by the second date, there is nothing left for him to wonder about.

Investment is the effort he puts in. A man values what he has worked for, so a relationship where you make all the plans and all the effort gives him very little reason to feel attached.

Uncertainty is the one that surprises most women. Dean Delis, a psychologist and author of The Passion Trap, put it like this: "The feeling of being in love is biochemically linked to the feeling of being out of control." When a man feels he has total control over you and the relationship, the excitement goes. When he feels a little unsure, he can't stop thinking about how to make you his.

None of this means playing hard to get or pretending you aren't interested. You can show a man you like him and still keep a full life, your own opinions and a little mystery, and that balance is what makes him lean in.

Learning the words that switch it on

Knowing about the triggers is one thing. Knowing what to actually say to a man to spark his curiosity, or to get him putting in effort, without feeling fake or like you're playing games, is where most women get stuck.

That is the gap Clayton's program, Infatuation Scripts, fills. It gives you scripts for each trigger, with names like Intrigue Scripts, Shaping Scripts, Cliffhanger Scripts and Barrier Scripts, along with the thinking behind each one so you can adapt them to your own situation. You can use them with a man you've just met, a man you've just started dating, or your long-term partner or husband.

The best place to start is Clayton's free video presentation, where he explains the infatuation instinct and the "emotional tripwire" that sets it off. If you want the full program afterwards, it is a one-time payment of $49.95, delivered as video, audio and an e-book, and it comes with a 60-day money-back guarantee.

I may earn a commission if you buy through my link.

You tick every box on his list, so why is he still unsure about you?

Disclosure: I may earn a commission if you buy through my link, at no extra cost to you.

"You're everything I've always wanted in a woman... but something's missing."

A man called Liam said that to Emma on a walk, six months into the best relationship she'd ever had.

When she begged him to tell her what the missing thing was, he couldn't name it.

He had just called her beautiful, kind, smart and fun.

A few months later he was engaged to another woman, and he told Emma he had never felt so sure of anything in his life.

If you've ever been the great girlfriend who still ended up with a man who couldn't decide, that story will sting. So what was missing?

The answer explains why so many good women end up in the same place, and it has very little to do with how good they are.

Why being perfect for him on paper doesn't make him sure

Most of us grow up with a quiet idea about love.

A man carries a list in his head, and if you match enough of it, he'll choose you.

So you work at it.

You take an interest in his work, laugh at his jokes, get on with his friends and never make a scene when he's late.

All of that is lovely, and the trouble is that the list only speaks to one part of him.

Clayton Max, the dating coach behind a program called Infatuation Scripts, says that giving a man everything he thinks he wants only reaches the rational part of his brain.

That's the part that wrote the list.

The part that decides who he can't stop thinking about runs on feeling.

A man who is sure about a woman rarely got there by adding up her good points.

He got there because of how she makes him feel.

Three friends who swore they'd never settle down

Clayton saw this up close when three of his friends got engaged in the same year.

These were men who had said for years that marriage wasn't for them.

The women they chose didn't have all the qualities these men had always said they wanted, and yet very soon after meeting them, these men wanted nobody else.

One of them moved across the country to make it work.

Clayton spent months talking to the couples and reading research on love and attraction, and he found a drive he calls the infatuation instinct.

One of the papers the program draws on, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2014 by a team led by Dr. Helen Fisher, describes this kind of passion as "involuntary and uncontrollable".

It also describes an "inability to feel romantic passion for more than one person at a time".

Once that feeling switches on in a man, he starts to overlook a woman's flaws and focus on her good qualities, and the reasons he had for holding back stop counting.

When it stays off, no list of good points will settle his doubts.

That's what Liam was trying to say on that walk. Nothing on his list was missing.

He simply wasn't infatuated with Emma, and nobody can name a feeling that isn't there.

Stop arguing your case

When a man is unsure, the natural move is to show him what he'd be missing.

You cook the special dinner and gently remind him how well the two of you get on.

Emma did her own version of this on that walk.

She pushed him to say what was missing and asked what she could do differently, and nothing she said changed his mind.

You can't reason a man into a feeling, because every point you make speaks to the list again.

It also tells him he holds all the cards.

Dean Delis, a marriage counsellor and the author of The Passion Trap, wrote that "the feeling of being in love is biochemically linked to the feeling of being out of control."

A man who feels completely sure of you, with nothing left to wonder about or earn, has very little to be excited about.

That's good news, because it means the fix is to stop giving more.

How to reach the part of him the list can't

Infatuation Scripts is built around three feelings that switch on the infatuation instinct: curiosity, investment and uncertainty.

You can start using the ideas behind them today.

• Give him something to wonder about. Share your stories slowly, keep a few plans to yourself and end conversations while they're still fun. A man who thinks he has you all figured out stops thinking about you between dates.
• Let him put in the effort. When he plans the date, makes the call or drives across town to see you, he grows more attached, so stop doing all the work for him.
• Keep a full life of your own. Uncertainty has nothing to do with ignoring his texts. It means seeing your friends, chasing your goals and letting him see you'd be fine without him, so he keeps earning his place.

None of this asks you to be any less kind, clever or loving.

You keep every good thing on his list, and you stop relying on the list to do a job it was never built for.

Clayton gives the exact words for each of the three feelings in his free video presentation.

What changed for Emma at the restaurant table

Emma's turning point came at a restaurant table, sitting across from Jack, a man she really liked, as she watched him grow bored and distracted before dessert.

This time she didn't try harder to impress him.

She used a few of Clayton's lines instead, and in her telling Jack started leaning in, asking real questions and talking about the future.

Later on, Jack was the one who brought up the "so where is this going?" talk. Emma didn't have to raise it herself.

That's what it looks like when a man is the one who's afraid of losing you.

If you tick every box and still feel him keeping one foot out the door, you don't need to become someone else.

You need to reach the part of him that decides with feelings, and Clayton Max's free video shows you the words to do it.

The program itself is a one-time $49.95 with a 60-day money-back guarantee, but start with the video.

Watch Clayton's free presentation here and listen for the moment he explains why a man's "perfect girl" so often loses out to the woman who simply makes him feel something.

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He won't define the relationship? What to do when "what are we?" gets you nowhere

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Four months in, on a quiet Sunday night, you finally ask him the question: "So what are we?"

He goes quiet for a moment.

Then he says he's not ready, or the timing isn't right, or he'd rather not put a label on it.

Those three answers sound different, and they nearly always come from the same place.

Once you know where they come from, the way past them looks nothing like the serious talk most of us try first.

What "I'm not ready" usually means

When a man gives you a reason, you take it seriously, because you're a fair person.

You think about his busy job, his last breakup and the stressful year he's had, and you decide to give him time.

Emma, whose story opens the presentation for a program called Infatuation Scripts, did exactly that.

When she looked back over her past relationships, she saw that every "not ready", every "bad timing" and every "it doesn't make sense right now" had been a smokescreen.

Those reasons felt true to the men.

They were simply the easiest explanation a man reaches for when he doesn't feel sure, because "I don't feel strongly enough about you" is very hard to say out loud.

The program's creator, Clayton Max, is a dating coach with a background in applied psychology.

He watched three friends who swore marriage wasn't for them get engaged in the same year, and one of them moved across the country to make it work.

When a man feels strongly enough about a woman, timing and readiness stop being obstacles. He finds a way to make it work.

Why pushing for the label pushes him away

When his answer is vague, the natural thing is to ask again more clearly.

Maybe you plan a serious talk where you explain what you want, how long it's been and why it's fair to ask.

Everything you say in that talk is reasonable, and that is why it fails.

Reasons speak to the logical part of his brain, and his doubt doesn't live there.

You can win the argument and still not move him an inch.

Every time you raise it, he also learns that you're waiting on him, and the relationship starts to feel like it's sitting in his hands.

Dean Delis, a marriage counsellor and the author of The Passion Trap, wrote that "the feeling of being in love is biochemically linked to the feeling of being out of control."

A man who feels he holds all the control over where this goes feels very little urge to decide.

Nothing is at risk for him, so there's nothing to hurry for.

Put the question down and pick your own life back up

This is the hardest step and the most useful one.

Stop raising the label for a while, which means no more hints, no more "so where do you see this going?" and no long talks after a glass of wine.

Then fill that space with your own life.

See your friends more, book the class or the weekend away you've been putting off, and stop keeping your Saturdays free in case he wants to do something.

Stay warm and affectionate when you're together, and don't make him pay for the question he dodged.

He should see a woman with a full life who enjoys his company and doesn't need his answer to feel fine.

A man can feel the difference between a woman who is waiting for him and a woman who is busy living her life.

Only the second one makes him wonder whether he could lose her.

How to make him want the label as much as you do

Clayton's program works on three feelings that switch on what he calls the infatuation instinct, which is the drive that makes a man feel certain about one particular woman.

The three feelings are curiosity, investment and uncertainty.

You can use the ideas behind each one in a relationship that's already months old.

Curiosity comes back when he stops knowing exactly what your week looks like.

Tell him about the new things going on in your life, and leave a few of the details for next time so he has something to ask about.

Investment grows when he puts effort in, so let him plan the next date or drive over to see you.

A man becomes more attached to a woman he has worked to win.

Uncertainty is the gentle one, and it is never game-playing.

It's simply the sense that you're happy with him but not his for the taking, so he still has to earn his place with you.

The program calls one version of this a barrier.

You can show him plenty of warmth and desire while still holding a little of yourself back, so he never feels he has fully won you.

That small gap creates a romantic tension that makes him feel the two of you are in the middle of a love story.

Clayton walks through all three feelings in a free video presentation, along with the kind of words he gives women to use for each one.

When he's the one asking "so where is this going?"

Later in Emma's story there's a man called Jack.

She used Clayton's scripts with him, and she didn't have to raise the relationship talk at all, because Jack was the one who brought up "so where is this going?"

That's the shift worth working towards.

You stop asking for a label and hearing "not yet", and he starts steering the conversation towards the two of you because he wants to know how you feel about him.

The program tells you to watch for him becoming more attentive, dropping little hints about how much you mean to him and finding small ways to show it.

You can stop handing him the control today.

Every evening you spend living your own life, and every bit of effort you let him put in, gives him another reason to want that label as much as you do.

If you're months in and still hearing "let's not put labels on it", watch Clayton Max's free video presentation before you have that talk again.

He explains why men stall when they're unsure, and the words that change how a man feels about you.

The full program, Infatuation Scripts, comes as video, audio and an e-book for a one-time $49.95, with a 60-day money-back guarantee.

Watch the free presentation here, then put the question down for a while and give him the chance to come to you with it.

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Why Men Push Away Their Perfect Girl

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When Holly met Colin three years ago, she thought they were perfect for each other. They had the same sense of humour and loved the same films and TV shows, and they both wanted to start a family in the next few years.

They even had the same favourite childhood book, The Velveteen Rabbit, a sweet coincidence he often mentioned when people asked how they met.

So when he suddenly ended things one rainy October day, she was completely blindsided.

"I don't understand what happened," she said. "He once told me he'd made a list when he was younger of everything he wanted in a partner, and that I ticked every single box. Only last month he was talking about taking singing lessons so he could sing to me at our wedding."

Holly's story is far more common than most women realise. According to dating and relationship coach Clayton Max, it is not unusual for a man to pull away from a woman who seems perfect for him.

"What most women don't realise," Max says, "is that it doesn't matter how good a woman is for a man on paper. She could tick every box on his list, and he'll still panic when it comes to taking the relationship deeper."

Men like to think of themselves as logical, but as Max puts it, "Men don't choose a woman based on who's the best logical choice for them. Instead, they choose the woman who makes them FEEL certain things."

So what are those things?

According to Max, men are naturally more scared of commitment than women are, but their brains also come with a mechanism that overrides that fear when they are with the right woman. He calls it the infatuation instinct. When it is switched on, the panic quietens, his doubts fade, he feels sure about her, and he will go to great lengths to be with her.

When a man is choosing between a woman who makes sense for him and a woman who has switched on his infatuation instinct, Max says it is the second woman he chooses.

So what does Max suggest for a woman who wants a man to commit more deeply to her?

1. Accept how he is wired

A big mistake women make is wishing men were different. A man can no more control the panic he feels around commitment than a woman can control her wish to commit.

When he feels judged for not being sure, it adds to the anxiety and guilt he already feels, which makes him more likely to hit the "eject" button sooner.

When you accept that this is how men are wired and stop pressuring him, you free yourself to focus on what does make him sure, which is switching on his infatuation instinct.

2. Don't try to convince him

Most women fall into the trap of trying to be a man's dream girl by showing him every good-girlfriend quality: being a good listener, loyal, attentive, generous and passionate.

Some list all the reasons they are a good match. Others try to work out which qualities he wants so they can show them whenever he is around.

Either way, they are appealing to his logical brain, which is not the part making this decision.

Women do this again and again, and it leaves them disappointed and angry when he ends up choosing a woman who has almost none of the qualities he said he wanted.

3. Focus on switching on his infatuation instinct

The way to get a man to commit with his whole heart, so he is sure you are the one for him, is to switch on his infatuation instinct.

That instinct responds to very specific things in a woman, such as curiosity, boundaries and a little uncertainty, which stir up excitement and a wish to chase her.

Many women try to show a man how devoted they are, hoping it will make him feel safe enough to open his heart. More often it adds to the pressure he feels, because at this stage he is more afraid of losing his freedom than of losing her.

To learn how to switch on a man's infatuation instinct, including the exact words to use, watch Clayton Max's free video presentation. In it, he explains the "emotional tripwire" that puts a man into infatuation mode without him realising why.

Watch the free video presentation here

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The Surprising Reason Men Always Choose Certain Women (And Overlook Others)

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Tanya had been told she was "amazing", "a great catch" and "total girlfriend material" by the men she'd dated.

All those kind words only made her feel worse, because no matter how great they said she was, they still weren't choosing her.

So either these men weren't telling the truth, or there was something wrong with her that made them leave.

"It made me feel broken," she said. "Why am I never enough for the men I really want? I just want someone to choose me."

Women have been asking why a man chooses one woman and overlooks another for as long as men and women have been getting together.

Dating and relationship coach Clayton Max has an answer, and it draws on a paper published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior: men don't choose women for logical reasons.

"It's not about checking all the boxes on a man's list of what makes his perfect girl," Max says. "And a woman can't convince a man to want to be with her."

In fact, when a woman tries to convince a man, pressures him or keeps showing him how amazing she is, it usually backfires, because those behaviours signal the opposite of what makes a man sure she's the one.

"The reality is," according to Max, "men choose women who do one thing and one thing only. They choose women who make them feel the powerful emotion of INFATUATION."

The research the program draws on describes infatuation as "involuntary and uncontrollable". When a man's infatuation instinct is switched on, it no longer matters whether a woman has every quality he thought he was looking for.

He'll make time for her. He'll rearrange his life for her. Max tells the story of one friend who moved across the country to be with the woman who made him feel this way.

So how does a woman switch on a man's infatuation instinct, so he's sure she's the one he wants?

Clayton Max explains it in this free video presentation.

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