He won't define the relationship? What to do when "what are we?" gets you nowhere

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Four months in, on a quiet Sunday night, you finally ask him the question: "So what are we?"

He goes quiet for a moment.

Then he says he's not ready, or the timing isn't right, or he'd rather not put a label on it.

Those three answers sound different, and they nearly always come from the same place.

Once you know where they come from, the way past them looks nothing like the serious talk most of us try first.

What "I'm not ready" usually means

When a man gives you a reason, you take it seriously, because you're a fair person.

You think about his busy job, his last breakup and the stressful year he's had, and you decide to give him time.

Emma, whose story opens the presentation for a program called Infatuation Scripts, did exactly that.

When she looked back over her past relationships, she saw that every "not ready", every "bad timing" and every "it doesn't make sense right now" had been a smokescreen.

Those reasons felt true to the men.

They were simply the easiest explanation a man reaches for when he doesn't feel sure, because "I don't feel strongly enough about you" is very hard to say out loud.

The program's creator, Clayton Max, is a dating coach with a background in applied psychology.

He watched three friends who swore marriage wasn't for them get engaged in the same year, and one of them moved across the country to make it work.

When a man feels strongly enough about a woman, timing and readiness stop being obstacles. He finds a way to make it work.

Why pushing for the label pushes him away

When his answer is vague, the natural thing is to ask again more clearly.

Maybe you plan a serious talk where you explain what you want, how long it's been and why it's fair to ask.

Everything you say in that talk is reasonable, and that is why it fails.

Reasons speak to the logical part of his brain, and his doubt doesn't live there.

You can win the argument and still not move him an inch.

Every time you raise it, he also learns that you're waiting on him, and the relationship starts to feel like it's sitting in his hands.

Dean Delis, a marriage counsellor and the author of The Passion Trap, wrote that "the feeling of being in love is biochemically linked to the feeling of being out of control."

A man who feels he holds all the control over where this goes feels very little urge to decide.

Nothing is at risk for him, so there's nothing to hurry for.

Put the question down and pick your own life back up

This is the hardest step and the most useful one.

Stop raising the label for a while, which means no more hints, no more "so where do you see this going?" and no long talks after a glass of wine.

Then fill that space with your own life.

See your friends more, book the class or the weekend away you've been putting off, and stop keeping your Saturdays free in case he wants to do something.

Stay warm and affectionate when you're together, and don't make him pay for the question he dodged.

He should see a woman with a full life who enjoys his company and doesn't need his answer to feel fine.

A man can feel the difference between a woman who is waiting for him and a woman who is busy living her life.

Only the second one makes him wonder whether he could lose her.

How to make him want the label as much as you do

Clayton's program works on three feelings that switch on what he calls the infatuation instinct, which is the drive that makes a man feel certain about one particular woman.

The three feelings are curiosity, investment and uncertainty.

You can use the ideas behind each one in a relationship that's already months old.

Curiosity comes back when he stops knowing exactly what your week looks like.

Tell him about the new things going on in your life, and leave a few of the details for next time so he has something to ask about.

Investment grows when he puts effort in, so let him plan the next date or drive over to see you.

A man becomes more attached to a woman he has worked to win.

Uncertainty is the gentle one, and it is never game-playing.

It's simply the sense that you're happy with him but not his for the taking, so he still has to earn his place with you.

The program calls one version of this a barrier.

You can show him plenty of warmth and desire while still holding a little of yourself back, so he never feels he has fully won you.

That small gap creates a romantic tension that makes him feel the two of you are in the middle of a love story.

Clayton walks through all three feelings in a free video presentation, along with the kind of words he gives women to use for each one.

When he's the one asking "so where is this going?"

Later in Emma's story there's a man called Jack.

She used Clayton's scripts with him, and she didn't have to raise the relationship talk at all, because Jack was the one who brought up "so where is this going?"

That's the shift worth working towards.

You stop asking for a label and hearing "not yet", and he starts steering the conversation towards the two of you because he wants to know how you feel about him.

The program tells you to watch for him becoming more attentive, dropping little hints about how much you mean to him and finding small ways to show it.

You can stop handing him the control today.

Every evening you spend living your own life, and every bit of effort you let him put in, gives him another reason to want that label as much as you do.

If you're months in and still hearing "let's not put labels on it", watch Clayton Max's free video presentation before you have that talk again.

He explains why men stall when they're unsure, and the words that change how a man feels about you.

The full program, Infatuation Scripts, comes as video, audio and an e-book for a one-time $49.95, with a 60-day money-back guarantee.

Watch the free presentation here, then put the question down for a while and give him the chance to come to you with it.

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