The Infatuation Instinct: Why Some Women Make a Man Sure So Quickly

Disclosure: I may earn a commission if you buy through my link, at no extra cost to you.

Three men who had spent years saying marriage "wasn't for them" all got engaged within the same year. One of them moved across the country to make it work.

They were friends of Clayton Max, a dating and relationship coach, and what puzzled him was the women they chose. None of these women had all the qualities his friends had always said they were looking for, and yet within a short time of meeting them, these were the only women the men wanted.

Clayton wanted to know why. What did these women do that the women before them hadn't? The answer he found is something he calls the infatuation instinct, and once you understand it, a lot of confusing behaviour from men starts to make sense.

What the infatuation instinct is

The infatuation instinct is a drive in a man's brain that pulls all of his romantic interest towards one woman. When it is switched on, he isn't weighing her up against anyone else. In his mind, she simply is the one.

The research the program draws on describes this passion as "involuntary and uncontrollable", and says it brings an "inability to feel romantic passion for more than one person at a time". So it isn't a decision he makes after thinking it over carefully. It is something that happens to him.

That is a big shift from how most of us were taught to think about men and commitment.

What it does to the way he sees you

When a man's infatuation instinct is switched on for a woman, several things happen together.

He starts to idealise her. The research describes a man overlooking negative traits and focusing on positive qualities, so whatever "reasons" he had to hold back stop mattering to him.

He thinks about her nearly all the time. He replays the evening they had, rereads the messages and finds excuses to bring her up in conversation.

He also becomes afraid of losing her. That fear is what moves him from "let's see where this goes" to wanting to make it official, because the idea of someone else having her is harder to bear than giving up his freedom.

If you have ever watched a man who was "not ready for a relationship" suddenly rush into one with someone new, this is very likely what you were seeing.

Why ticking every box on his list doesn't switch it on

Most women try to win a man by being his perfect girl. We pick up what he says he wants, whether that is someone smart, funny, easy-going or good with his family, and we make sure he sees that we are all of those things.

The problem is that a list of good qualities only reaches the rational part of a man's brain. He can agree with every point and still feel nothing pulling him forward.

That is how a woman ends up hearing "You're everything I've always wanted, but something's missing." He means both halves of that sentence. The rational part of him approved of her, and the instinct that would have made him sure was never switched on.

Clayton goes through this in more detail, including what the women his friends married did differently, in his free video presentation.

What sets the infatuation instinct off

According to Clayton, the instinct responds to a handful of psychological triggers instead of a list of good qualities. Three of the big ones are curiosity, investment and uncertainty.

Curiosity is what keeps you on his mind when you're not together. If he feels he has you completely figured out by the second date, there is nothing left for him to wonder about.

Investment is the effort he puts in. A man values what he has worked for, so a relationship where you make all the plans and all the effort gives him very little reason to feel attached.

Uncertainty is the one that surprises most women. Dean Delis, a psychologist and author of The Passion Trap, put it like this: "The feeling of being in love is biochemically linked to the feeling of being out of control." When a man feels he has total control over you and the relationship, the excitement goes. When he feels a little unsure, he can't stop thinking about how to make you his.

None of this means playing hard to get or pretending you aren't interested. You can show a man you like him and still keep a full life, your own opinions and a little mystery, and that balance is what makes him lean in.

Learning the words that switch it on

Knowing about the triggers is one thing. Knowing what to actually say to a man to spark his curiosity, or to get him putting in effort, without feeling fake or like you're playing games, is where most women get stuck.

That is the gap Clayton's program, Infatuation Scripts, fills. It gives you scripts for each trigger, with names like Intrigue Scripts, Shaping Scripts, Cliffhanger Scripts and Barrier Scripts, along with the thinking behind each one so you can adapt them to your own situation. You can use them with a man you've just met, a man you've just started dating, or your long-term partner or husband.

The best place to start is Clayton's free video presentation, where he explains the infatuation instinct and the "emotional tripwire" that sets it off. If you want the full program afterwards, it is a one-time payment of $49.95, delivered as video, audio and an e-book, and it comes with a 60-day money-back guarantee.

I may earn a commission if you buy through my link.