Why Men Push Away Their Perfect Girl

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When Holly met Colin three years ago, she thought they were perfect for each other. They had the same sense of humour and loved the same films and TV shows, and they both wanted to start a family in the next few years.

They even had the same favourite childhood book, The Velveteen Rabbit, a sweet coincidence he often mentioned when people asked how they met.

So when he suddenly ended things one rainy October day, she was completely blindsided.

"I don't understand what happened," she said. "He once told me he'd made a list when he was younger of everything he wanted in a partner, and that I ticked every single box. Only last month he was talking about taking singing lessons so he could sing to me at our wedding."

Holly's story is far more common than most women realise. According to dating and relationship coach Clayton Max, it is not unusual for a man to pull away from a woman who seems perfect for him.

"What most women don't realise," Max says, "is that it doesn't matter how good a woman is for a man on paper. She could tick every box on his list, and he'll still panic when it comes to taking the relationship deeper."

Men like to think of themselves as logical, but as Max puts it, "Men don't choose a woman based on who's the best logical choice for them. Instead, they choose the woman who makes them FEEL certain things."

So what are those things?

According to Max, men are naturally more scared of commitment than women are, but their brains also come with a mechanism that overrides that fear when they are with the right woman. He calls it the infatuation instinct. When it is switched on, the panic quietens, his doubts fade, he feels sure about her, and he will go to great lengths to be with her.

When a man is choosing between a woman who makes sense for him and a woman who has switched on his infatuation instinct, Max says it is the second woman he chooses.

So what does Max suggest for a woman who wants a man to commit more deeply to her?

1. Accept how he is wired

A big mistake women make is wishing men were different. A man can no more control the panic he feels around commitment than a woman can control her wish to commit.

When he feels judged for not being sure, it adds to the anxiety and guilt he already feels, which makes him more likely to hit the "eject" button sooner.

When you accept that this is how men are wired and stop pressuring him, you free yourself to focus on what does make him sure, which is switching on his infatuation instinct.

2. Don't try to convince him

Most women fall into the trap of trying to be a man's dream girl by showing him every good-girlfriend quality: being a good listener, loyal, attentive, generous and passionate.

Some list all the reasons they are a good match. Others try to work out which qualities he wants so they can show them whenever he is around.

Either way, they are appealing to his logical brain, which is not the part making this decision.

Women do this again and again, and it leaves them disappointed and angry when he ends up choosing a woman who has almost none of the qualities he said he wanted.

3. Focus on switching on his infatuation instinct

The way to get a man to commit with his whole heart, so he is sure you are the one for him, is to switch on his infatuation instinct.

That instinct responds to very specific things in a woman, such as curiosity, boundaries and a little uncertainty, which stir up excitement and a wish to chase her.

Many women try to show a man how devoted they are, hoping it will make him feel safe enough to open his heart. More often it adds to the pressure he feels, because at this stage he is more afraid of losing his freedom than of losing her.

To learn how to switch on a man's infatuation instinct, including the exact words to use, watch Clayton Max's free video presentation. In it, he explains the "emotional tripwire" that puts a man into infatuation mode without him realising why.

Watch the free video presentation here

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