Why He Pulls Away Just When Things Are Going So Well

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Other title options: He Was All In a Month Ago, So Why Is He Backing Off Now? | The Real Reason Men Go Quiet When a Relationship Starts Feeling Good
Meta description: Things were going so well, then he went quiet. Here is why men pull away right when it gets good, and what to do this week instead of chasing him.
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A few weeks ago he was sending you a good morning text before you had even opened your eyes. He planned the dates, he remembered the name of your friend from work, and once he said, almost to himself, that his mum would love you.

So you let yourself relax, which is not something you do easily.

Then, without a fight or anything you can point to, the texts started coming later in the day. The plans got vaguer. When you asked if everything was okay he said, "Yeah, just busy with work," and that night you lay awake going over the last time you saw him, looking for the moment it changed.

If that is where you are right now, there is a reason this happens so often at exactly this point, and the things most of us do to fix it usually push him further away.

Nothing went wrong, and that is the confusing part

When a man pulls back, our first instinct is to search for the mistake. Did I say too much? Was I too keen? Has he met someone else?

Sometimes there really is a clear cause. Far more often, the pulling away starts right when things become comfortable and the future starts to feel real, because that is when his doubts get loud.

Clayton Max is a dating and relationship coach with a background in applied psychology, and he explains it in a way that made a lot of sense to me. When a man isn't absolutely sure you're the one, there is usually one reason underneath it, even if he would never say it out loud: part of him suspects there could be someone better out there for him.

He can't tell you what that someone has that you don't. He just has a nagging feeling that something is "not quite right", and he has no idea where it comes from.

That is how a man can tell you you're amazing and still back away from you in the same week. Both things feel true to him at once.

Why trying to be the perfect girlfriend doesn't settle his doubts

When we feel him drifting, most of us try harder. We become extra sweet, extra available and extra understanding. We stop mentioning the things that bother us, and we show him over and over how easy and lovely life with us would be.

It comes from a loving place, and it makes sense that you would do it. The trouble is that all of it speaks to the logical side of his brain, the side that ticks boxes on a list: kind, loyal, fun, gets on with my friends.

He most likely knows you tick those boxes already. Ticking them was never what was missing, which is why showing him again and again how good you are for him so rarely brings him back.

Clayton's view is that men don't choose a woman because she is the most sensible choice on paper. They choose the woman who makes them feel a certain way, and there is one feeling in particular that switches off the "maybe there's someone better" doubt completely. He calls the drive behind that feeling the infatuation instinct.

What changes when his infatuation instinct is switched on

When a man is infatuated with a woman, he starts to idealise her. He focuses on her good qualities, and the reasons he had for holding back stop seeming important. He thinks about her when she isn't there, replays the time they spent together, and worries about losing her.

The research the program draws on describes this kind of passion as "involuntary and uncontrollable". He can't talk himself into it, and he can't be talked into it either, which is exactly why reasoning with him doesn't work.

Clayton explains how this instinct works, and why some women set it off almost without trying, in a free video presentation you can watch here (AFFILIATE-LINK).

What to do this week instead of chasing him

You don't need to wait for him to work it out on his own. Here are three things you can start on today, all taken from the ideas Clayton teaches.

- Stop arguing your case. Don't ask "what's wrong?" for the fifth time, and don't send the long message explaining how you feel. Each time you press him to explain his doubts, the doubts get more attention. Stay warm with him, and leave the pressure out.

- Turn the volume back up on your own life. Make the plans with your friends, go to the class, say yes to the weekend away. This isn't a show to make him jealous, because Clayton is clear that playing games is not the point. When you're fully involved in your own life you are naturally a little less available, and he notices.

- Leave him something to wonder about. The program is built around a few triggers, and three of the big ones are curiosity, investment and uncertainty. A man who knows exactly where he stands, and exactly how every evening will go, has nothing left to chase. Let him put in effort, let him plan the next date, and let him be a little unsure of your answer.

Where Infatuation Scripts comes in

Those ideas are the start. Where most women get stuck is the actual words: what to say over dinner or in a text to spark his curiosity, or to let him feel he has to earn your attention, without sounding cold or like you're playing a game.

That is what Clayton Max's program, Infatuation Scripts, is built around. It gives you word-for-word scripts for each trigger, from curiosity and investment scripts to "cliffhanger" scripts for the end of a conversation. It comes as video, audio and an e-book, and it is written for women who have just met a man, women who have just started dating someone, and women who have been with their partner for years.

Before you send that next "are we okay?" text, watch Clayton's free video presentation (AFFILIATE-LINK). He explains what he calls the "emotional tripwire" that puts a man into infatuation mode, and why it works so differently from trying to prove you're the right choice.

If you decide to get the program after watching, it is a one-time payment of $49.95 with a 60-day money-back guarantee, so you can try the scripts and make up your own mind.

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